Acronymaphobia (ACNP)

By Kevin Duling

On my way through town, I thought I would stop by the FSA to see what the PCP was, in case I qualified for an LDP. Turns out there were problems with my CREP and CRP contracts with the NRCS and I now may be in trouble with the CCB. The good news is that I may qualify for an FSFL.

The district manager of FSA informed me that my part of the county may soon qualify for CSP, but we will have to wait because of the ratio of NHEL to HEL. He also noted that next time I sign up for a CCC loan I should use a 697 form in the event of a price drop at the CBOT.

With the current basis between Portland and CBOT, our DCP is turning out to be a joke. He recommended a higher level of CRC coverage to insure better margins on our bottom line for our LLC. We will have to speak to our CPA.

The Fed will meet next week to determine if the GNP is in line with the GDP which may have an effect on our FSFL. The result will be witnessed by watching the DOW or the NASDAQ.

After meeting with the district manager of FSA, another farmer and I decided to grab lunch. We discussed how government is trying to get our private farms to operate like the government. They want us to have similar piles of paperwork, similar safety standards, and many other things leading to increased efficiency.

Realizing I didn’t have many choices but to conform to government regulations, I decided I would start by communicating like the government. This would involve developing acronyms around the farm to decrease communications.

After practicing, it has become easy and like a second language. For example, “Take the TW (trap wagon) out to the W (west) field and fill both tractors with #2HSD (#2 high sulfur diesel), then take T3 (tractor #3) with the ST (springtooth) and work up the N (North) field.”

Like anything new, this system does have some drawbacks. The other day, using our handy cell phones, I received a call from my brother. With his voice fading in and out because of bad cell coverage in our area, he said “K, I need CPR because I’m on the RR and try to contact DEQ.”

That was a serious call. I rushed his direction fearing the worst. For some reason, there had to be a bad accident involving the railroad and my brother needing CPR. The train must have wrecked spilling something bad. Why else would I have to contact DEQ?

After spending 3 hours looking for a train wreck and my brother, I decided to try his house. He was home and just fine. I asked him what that phone call was all about. He said he just needed the car to get to the restroom and I should try not to contact the flu. Our new communication system needs a little work.

After lunch, I needed to stop by the DMV to sign up for a CDL endorsement on my ODL. At the DMV I ran into a friend of mine who works for ODOT and he informed me that OSHA will be out checking on farmers who have employees. Thank goodness we all work for the LLC as managers.

With all these thoughts in my mind, I unfortunately didn’t notice I was doing 75 mph in a 55 until I passed an OSP, who promptly stopped me and asked to see my ODL along with my POI.

Kevin Duling’s stories can be found on the Capital Press Blog every Friday. Duling is a wheat farmer and freelance writer residing in Maupin, Ore. Feedback is welcomed at kevinddul@aol.com.

Copyright July 2007.